One thing I've learned over the years is that when I'm mentally exhausted, for whatever reason, I don't create anything. Not music, poetry, story, or even a well crafted pun. I noticed a few years ago that when we are busiest at work, I don't write. When I'm stressed out from work, I don't write. Often, I don't even sing or play. I envy those people who can work their 40 hours and still find, not the physical strength, but the mental agility and creative verve to paint a landscape, or write a book, or tell their nephews an even half decent dragon story. I've long since given up the hope of making a living from my music; but I do think it would be nice, in a pipe-dreamy sort of way, to be able to spend all my mental energy on creating new words and tunes, and not give any thought whatsover to how to cover which shift at work because someone wants off, or how to get all these info requests answered, or how to scrape along with less staff than we need because of how hard the economy has hit us in Branson, or how to make this payment on time, or how to be there for friends in need, or how to cope with the guilt I feel for not having been able to be there for friends in need.
But I do spend mental energy on those things, each and every one, over and over. I think we get more and more weighed down with the cares of this world as we grow older. When you're a little kid, all you really have to worry about is getting your homework done, completing a chore or two, getting home on time from riding your bike to play at a friend's house, or, on occasion, pleasing your parents just for pleasing's sake. You really are care-free as a child, simply because the cares of life haven't caught up to you yet. During those years, you create constantly: playing with toys, inventing new games, all kinds of make believe friends and foes, worlds and roles. Then you hit high school, and you have so much more to worry about: fitting in, getting good grades (ideally), and wondering where life will take you, and with whom. Then college, which for some of us was an extraordinarily long time, worring about paying tuition, paying rent, paying the piper for how you paid tuition and rent down the road. And you create less. You're busy, you're stressed from studying and working. You no longer invent new worlds and new games. Then after college, adult life really sets in. Bills, politics, bosses, employees, gas prices, national debt, personal debt, raising a family, and on, and on, and on. And your creative juices flow less freely, less fondly, less formidablly. I think that's why Willie Nelson wrote in "My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys" the words, "I let the words of my youth fade away."
I've never been a prolific songwriter, usually 4 to 6 songs per year. Then, a few years ago, that turned into 1 song, maybe 2, per year. And that creative slow down coincides almost precisely with when I began my current job. I don't say that to imply that I regret having my job or doing my job. But, it can be stressful, here in the mundane melancholy of middle management. And I sometimes wonder if I might be just a little bit more creative if I were just a little less consumed with my work. Or, perhaps, that's just part of growing older, or perhaps growing up. Oh, to be Peter Pan in Neverland! Maybe I could write a song about it. But that would be creating. (sigh)
p.s. That said, I've nearly finished a song this week that I began about 3 years ago. Just deciding whether or not it truly needs a bridge. I hate to follow convention just for convention's sake, you know
p.p.s. In the spirit of "My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys" here's a Cowboy by the name of Rolla Ray Fisher, my Grandpa, long before I was a glint in his progeny's eye.
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| R.R. Fisher, Grandpa |
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