"It's Time to Ask Yourself What You Believe" or "How Little Cameron Jones Saved Me from Myself"

"Greg, I wish you could find love and be happy."  (female friend of mine from the MSSC Music Department, circa 1998)

"Greg, how is it that you're happy all by yourself?"  (female friend and co-worker at BTC, circa...........well.......Tuesday)

"The healing power of the Grail is the only thing that can save your father now. It's time to ask yourself what you believe."  (Walter Donovan, from "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade")

I'm 41 years old.  Never married.  Single.  Straight.  Solitary.  Happy?  Happy.

I suppose this post has been a long time coming.  It addresses two of the great questions of my life.  How is it that I'm still singe?  And how is it that I'm okay with that?

First of all, I wasn't always happy with that.  And even today, if the right woman came along, I'd gladly fall head over heals.  (But she'd actually have to be the right woman.)  Once upon a time, I used to be lonely in my alone-ness.  In my mid twenties, I had become quite frustrated and, truth be told, depressed at my single-ness.  I saw myself as a nice guy, smart guy, funny guy, family guy, and all around great catch.  Somehow, though, womankind seemed to have a different view of me.  Or, the ones who shared that opinion saw me in nothing more than a platonic light.  And I didn't fault any individual woman for feeling that way.  But it did seem like all of womankind had agreed to pigeonhole me into friend status.  And that did hurt.  And it didn't just start in my marriageable years.  I had been the "friend" since junior high.  So I was accustomed to the roll.  But it wore on me over the years.  And by my mid twenties, I was very lonely.

I do remember tears.  I do remember calling out to God, "Why not me?"  "Have You forgotten about me?"  I do remember lonely nights staring through tear bleary eyes at the stars, wondering if love would ever happen for me.  I prayed for a wife.  I prayed for love.  I prayed to have all those things that my friends and peers had already found, that I felt like I should have, too.  Somehow, I also qualified all those prayers and pleas, sometimes begrudgingly, with the phrase, "If it's Your will."  Looking back, I am so very thankful that He honored those prayers, and has given me His will, even if it wasn't my own.

It's rare to be able to pinpoint a specific moment in time when things go from a hazy blur to crystal clear.  Was it an epiphany?  Maybe.  Or just a light going on, that I should have seen all along.  I remember a moment when I was at my loneliest, my lowest.  I was good friends with Justin and Beth Jones.  I knew Beth from MSSC, and went to church with the Jones family at Calvary Baptist Church in Neosho, MO.  A lot of Sundays, I'd have lunch with the Jones family after church.  They always made me feel very welcome, as a part of their family.  I needed that.  On one such Sunday, I had gone to their house after church.  Beth had stayed home from church that morning with their baby boy, Cameron, who had a bad rash on his stomach, and generally felt horrible.  For some reason, on this Sunday, I was very depressed and especially lonely.  I don't remember just why.  But that was my worst day.  I was sitting in the living room while Beth and Justin finished getting lunch ready and on the table.  I had tears brimming in my eyes.  I felt like I'd never find anyone, and that left me feeling completely empty.  Completely unloved.  Beth came into the living room, and picked up little Cameron who couldn't have been more than a year old at the time, and went to show me that rash on his belly.  Little Cameron was so very, very miserable.

My whole life's perspective changed in that moment.  If you want to know the single point in time when God showed me how loved I was, and how unforgotten and un-abandoned I was, and how He'd always take care of me, then that was the moment.  There I was wallowing in self pity and loneliness, feeling unloved, when little Cameron Jones reached out his little arms, reaching just for me, and pulled me back from the brink.  Beth went back to the kitchen, and I held little Cameron, who loved me, and I cried.  There I was in the home of three friends, who loved me.  I had just come from a worship service honoring my Savior, Jesus Christ, who loved me, in a room full of brothers and sisters in Christ, who loved me.  I came from an amazing family, who loved me.  I had a group of wonderful friends, who loved me.  The next day, I would go to classes at MSSC, among friends, students and faculty alike, who loved me.  That moment, God showed me how loved I was, and how loved I am. 

Shortly thereafter, I began to ponder the quote above, "It's time to ask yourself what you believe."  What did I believe about God's love for me, God's plan for me, God's care over me?  I'd always said that I believed that God's love was sufficient for me.  But did I really believe it?  Did I believe it enough to trust that His love was all I needed to be happy, to be fulfilled, to be useful?  Did I?  Or didn't I?  Was it?  Or wasn't it?  Was it all just words?  Or was it really real to me?  And if it was real, then I needed to start living it.

I made a choice.  I chose to believe in His providence, in His wisdom, and in His plan.  If God had a wife in store for me, then that would be amazing.  And I would revel in that blessing.  And if God had a plan for me to be single, then that would be amazing.  And I would revel in that blessing. 

Not that it's been easy along the way.  The first quote at the top of this post came from a good friend of mine from college.  "Greg, I wish you could find love and be happy." She had just gotten married a few months prior to that comment.  So, perhaps her perspective can be forgiven.  But the comment hurt me deeply.  For you married people, tread softly on your single friends' emotions.  The cultural expectation, especially among American Christians, it that we should marry.  Marriage is seen as the key to happiness, to fulfillment, to happy ever after.  It isn't.  And.........get ready for this........the very words of our Savior Jesus Christ and the Apostle Paul encourage us NOT to marry.  Really.  So when you add that burden of cultural expectation to the already heavy pack upon your single friend's back, you do him or her a tremendous disservice.  After a day or so of feeling lonely again, unloved again, unhappy again, I thought again about my friend's comment.  And I really looked at myself in the context of her comment.  "Greg, I wish you could find love and be happy."  And I asked myself, "Who's more loved than I am?"  The answer I came back with was an honest and sincere, nobody.  And I asked myself, "Who's happier than I am?"  And, again, the answer I came back with was, nobody.  And I meant those answers deeply.  So I live them.

For me, most of the unhappiness and loneliness I felt in those days was not because I was lonely or unhappy.  It was because I didn't have what it seemed expected that I should have.  It was cultural pressures that made me lonely.  I actually always liked being alone, and I still do.  There's a peace and a calmness that I love and need in solitude.  But, in those days, I felt forgotten, because I didn't have a mate.  I was looking only at what I didn't have, and not at all at what I did, and still do, have. 

My advice to single people is this, God will provide.  If it's something you genuinely need, then God will NOT withhold it:

Matthew 7:9-11

New Living Translation (NLT)

⁹ “You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? ¹⁰ Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! ¹¹ So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him."

The question to ask yourself is whether what you desire is something you need, or something you feel like you're entitled to because so many around you already have it.  And you want it too.  There is a difference.  Also, is it something that you desire for comfort, when you should be taking comfort in Him?  If it's something you need, if He's created you with a design for you to have it, but you don't, then be patient.  He'll provide it when the time is right.  Seriously.  And if that doesn't ring true to you, then perhaps "It's time to ask yourself what you believe."

Unseen Self

"When I find myself alone, afraid of being known, and holding on for life."  from Eric Peters song: "Tomorrow"

"There is no greater danger, than trying to find yourself.  'Cause there is no stranger Stranger, than a man is...........to himself."  from Kevin Welch's song "Anna Lise, Please"

"You don't want to get mixed up with a guy like me.  I'm a loner, Dottie.  A rebel.  So long Dott."  Pee Wee Herman

One of the things that I hope I've learned in my 41 years on Earth, is that there is always more.  More to people, I mean.  We see these images that people put forth, ways that they wish to be seen.  But there's always more.  Sometimes these images, impressions, displays, quirks or just plain behaviors are defense mechanisms, protecting the person from lingering hurts, age old wounds, unrelenting sorrows.  Things they don't want you to see.  People want to seem strong.  Or funny.  Or smart.  Or talented.  Or like they've got it all together.  Sometimes we make judgements about people based on the image they put out there for the world to see.  But be very careful.  Don't judge too quickly.  You may miss out on something or someone awesome.  Because there's always more, down deep.  On the surface, there's the How of their behavior.  But down deep, if you're willing to wait for the rest to melt away, there's also the Why of their behavior.  And the Why is always more interesting than the surface How.  And if we just look deeper, we'll find the real Who, hiding under the façade.

So Who's hiding under my façade? 

I stumbled upon a video on youtube today.  To be more precise, I went looking for it and found it there.  It's a song called "Sing Me to Heaven."  We sang it, and sang, it, and cried it, and prayed it back in choir at MSSC (now MSSU).  Before the video started, I wondered if it would seem a bit pretentious to me now, now that I listen to and make almost exclusively folk music.  "Sing Me to Heaven" is classical, and beautiful, and dripping with emotion and sensitivity.  I don't make or listen to anything like it anymore.  Oh, but I used to.  For years (too many to admit) I made that kind of music every single day.  I was the Tenor Section Leader for, well.........let's just call it a long time.  That music was a part of me, and not a small part.  It was huge.  And I loved it.  That was classical greg, and I guess I didn't know before watching that video if he still lived.  He does.  It was a beautiful arrangement, nearly identical to the way the MSSC Chamber Choir interpreted it so long ago.  And, though I'm not in the video, classical greg very well could have been.

The people in my social circle now know that I was a music major in college.  There's even a running joke that all my stories I tell at work begin with the phrase "When I was in college......"  And those are often tales of making music with the MSSC Choir, or tales of one of my two trips to Europe performing with that choir.  But they don't know that greg.  They know the greg who listens to music you'd never hear on the radio, and who now writes very folky music.......that you'll also never hear on the radio.  But they don't know classical greg at all.  And I wonder what they'd think of him.  I wonder what they'd think of that music.  I wonder what they'd think of classical greg.  These days, if I make music at all, it's me pulling out my tenor guitar, or even ukulele, and singing something stripped down, simple, folksy.  But I remember how I used to take the stage for a student recital back at MSSC.  Classical greg would often be attired in a tuxedo.  I'd walk to the center of the stage, eyes focused on nothing in particular.  I'd slowly put my left foot in place on my mark, then bring my right foot in to match, and then slowly gaze up toward the back of the auditorium.  To me, it always felt like I captured the room in that moment, at that first gaze up from taking my mark.  Then, I opened up my soul.  They were mine.  First I'd capture the audience, then lay myself bare before them, utterly vulnerable, holding nothing back. 

I guess that's what I've always thought my true gift was.  Connection.  Communication.  Sharing Emotion.  Sure, I can sing.  But in the scheme of things, and compared to many I studied with, my voice was and is nothing special.  The special of it all was that I was willing and gifted to open my soul to the audience, to give them every ounce of me to share that musical and even spiritual moment with them.  To be known.

And they would know me, in that moment.  They would know that greg.  But would my grandparents?  My aunts and uncles, my cousins?  The guys I used to play ball with?  Would they recognize that greg?  And would those who loved classical greg recognize folk greg, or sports fan greg?  I'm not sure.  And I'm not sure it matters.  There were and are many gregs.  Classical greg.  Folk greg.  Sports fan greg.  Mentor greg.  Soaring greg.  Fallen greg.  So many me's.  But all me, nonetheless.  And, on occasion, I do long for someone to truly know all those facets of me.

Here are a few videos of music beloved by the various gregs:

Classical greg loves this one, "Sing Me to Heaven"

Folk greg loves this one, "The Artisan" by Seth Lakeman (on tenor guitar;)


Also, this is folk greg singing Eric Peter's song, "Tomorrow" from whence that 1st quote of this blog comes.



The Thunder Rolled (or....How Garth Brooks Ruined Country Radio Forever)

(Please listen to the videos toward the end of the blog for examples.  When you compare, there's simply no comparison.)

Let me start off by saying that I enjoy most of Garth Brooks' music.  Some of it, I enjoy very much.  This blog post isn't about Garth Brooks' quality of musical output at all.  It's about what his success did to the Country Music Radio genre's "Target Audience," and, therefore, Country Radio's quality.  I grew up on Country Music.  When I say that, I don't simply mean that I listened to Country Music primarily, or occasionally, or intermittently.  I mean that I listened to Country Music exclusively.  That's it.  Nothing else.  And I listened to it all the time.  I'd have it playing in my room while I was studying or playing.  Later, I'd have it playing in my truck while I was driving, in the yard while I was working, in the bathroom while I was showering, and by my bed while I was sleeping.  If there was such a thing as a Country Music nerd while I was growing up in the 80's, then I was King of the Nerds.  I listened to Top 40 Country, and I loved it.  I listened to Saturday Morning at the Memories, on 61 Country in Kansas City every Saturday......serious Old Time Country, like Hank Williams Sr, Ferlin Husky, Hank Thompson, early Johnny Cash and early Merle Haggard.  And I loved it.  Today, you couldn't get me to tune in to a Top 40 Country Station if you paid me.  So what happened?  And when?  And why?  Well, I have some thoughts.

I'd like to mention here that, as far as I can see and as near as I can tell, I'm not delusional.  I know that Country in the 80's wasn't all great.  For every Johnny Cash or Merle Haggard or Don Williams, we also had a Charlie McLain, or Janie Fricky, or, God forgive us all......Sylvia.  So there was plenty of bad Country then, too.  But I contend that the ratio of good to bad was much greater then than it is now.  And you had to wait through, or wade through, a lot less garbage to get to the good stuff on the air back then.

There are very few songs that I remember where I was and what I was doing when I first heard them.  You'd think that as much as I love great music and as much a part of my life as music is and has been, that I'd remember more of their first hearings.  But I don't.  It's that Thunderbolt moment, like love at first sight, when a song grabs hold of you in that initial hearing and you just burst with joy or sorrow.  It makes an imprint on your psyche, on your soul.  I remember very vividly where I was and what I was doing the first time I heard Garth Brooks "Friends in Low Places."  It was the summer after high school graduation, 1990.  I was working for a farmer outside of my home town of Butler, MO.  (Don't believe God, Guns, and Ammunition.....Butler isn't like them at all.)  I was in a hot John Deer tractor, no A/C; so I had the doors off and every possible airway open.  I was moving round hay bales from the field where they'd been baled to another where they were to be stored.  Radio blaring, to be heard over the tractor engine.  Then, it came on the radio.  It was a raucously rebellious song of being who you were, Country to the bone.  It became the anthem of my generation of Country fans.  I'll never forget that moment.  I sang as loud as I could, figuring out the words and tune as I went.  I felt that song to my core.  So did we all.

And I became a fan of Garth Brooks.  Though I was a bigger fan of Clint Black.  I thought his music was more straight forward and real than Garth Brooks' music.  Both stars became huge in the late 80's and early 90's.  They set records for album sales, records for concert tickets, records for radio spins.  They were as big as any rock stars, and that was a new things.  And in many ways, it was awesome.  Suddenly these guys singing Country were as popular as the ones singing rock or pop.  It was validating, in a way, for me.  I had listened to Country exclusively growing up, and now, instead of being lame, it was cool.  I liked that.  Maybe I was cool, after all........

The problem with their incredible success was that it convinced radio executives, record producers, and advertisers that instead of conceding the teenage market segment to rock and pop stations, that they could go after teenagers, too.  And they did.  Garth and Clint had been so popular among all age groups that the record labels began to search for and groom "artists" who would appeal to the teenagers.  Soon, that was really all they were searching for.  Throughout the previous decades, the Target Demographic for Country Radio stations was ages 35-55.  (Learned that in my Broadcast & Cable Management class at MSSC.)  Between the years of 1989-1993, that Target became blurrier and blurrier, skewed younger and younger, until, by 1995, the year I quit my job at KDMO in Carthage, MO, the Target Audience for Top 40 Country Music stations was ages 15-25.  And the style and quality of emerging Country "artists" reflected that change.  Suddenly, we were force fed what I call "Teenie Bopper Country." 

And it no longer mattered how great a musician and artist you were.  Or, at the very least, it mattered very little.  What mattered was whether or not teenage girls would scream when they saw your face, or your body.  Whether teenage boys would think you were cool, or hot.  Sex appeal had replaced musical ability and expression as the key component of Country stardom.  How hot were you?  That's what mattered most. 

I don't really mean to bash anyone's musical taste.  We're all different.  We like different things.  What makes it most frustrating to me is that, if you like Country Music, and you get your musical fix from Top 40 Country Radio, you're missing out on much, much,  MUCH better music that's out there.  The fans of Country Radio are being robbed of the opportunity to listen to richer, truer, un-formulaic musical expression.  For example.  Everybody loves Tim McGraw, right?  (Well, I don't, for the record.  "I Like it, I Love It" is one of the 2 worst Country hit songs of all time.  You can probably guess the other, Billy Ray.)  Tim McGraw's musical abilities are utterly dwarfed by those of Darrell Scott.  Who is Darrell Scott, you ask?  (The fact that you don't know Darrell Scott is an indictment of Country Radio all by itself.)  Nobody sings better than Darrell.  Nobody plays better than Darrell, and nobody but nobody writes better than Darrell.  Darrell Scott had his 1st big record deal in the early 90's.  But the deal fell through because, in the market shift that resulted from Garth Brooks' and Clint Black's immense success, the record label decided they needed to go younger, and go sexier.  His record was never released.  And we're all the poorer for it.  (Actually, he re-recorded it a few years ago under the title "Theater of the Unheard.")  Here's a taste of the music of Darrell Scott. 


Compare that with the musical chops of one Tim McGraw.


Whose music would have enriched your life more over the past 20 years?  I know my answer.  But wait, there's more.  Let's hear Darrell rock out a bit, too.


And, just for comparison, one of Tim McGraw's greatest hits.....


I think I my soul just threw up a little.

I guess the point of all of this is that there is better, richer, fuller, more wonderfully expressive and enriching music out there than what they shove down your throats on any mainstream radio station.  Don't settle for that stuff.  Go out and find the good stuff, whatever style or styles of music you enjoy.  Cause you don't want to have to listen to "what the kids are listening to these days."  You really don't.  And you don't have to.  Here are some links to some youtube channels that I subscribe to, to give you a taste of what other awesome musical options you could choose, other than your radio dial.

Under the Radar Radio:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnKoevvsNDlEM_8tS0fsErw
Music City Roots:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCq4MKKFxf_86d1A3sXIYHUA
Americana Music Association:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCSgDmbl9pYwmlC7mmpsciow
Folk Alley.com:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5fVvom7-_EYv13-JLugAqw
Music Fog:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCriIdX-phM0jQB3VhL4NaLQ
Mountain Stage:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQqrOFHytxG_OzqVgdUDH7g
Chris Thile:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRCkL89mcxMETTcqou5o5ow
Punch Brothers:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxKSQr1q0IL-Ps0ekPhDE4A

And for spiritual musical as well as literary discussions and forums please visit and frequent the Rabbit Room:  http://www.rabbitroom.com/

Thanks for reading, and for listening!